Valentine’s Day is that special time when lovers prove once and for all how much they don’t know about each other–when emergency rooms fill up with bloated examples of chocolate allergies, precious metal sensitivity and acute phosphate poisoning due to red wine consumption. But why should humans have all the fun? What about your pets, who love you most of all? Hey, pets don’t leave your bed in the middle of the night and threaten divorce just because of some mild snoring and harmless nocturnal emissions. So, in order to let your favorite animals know how much you love them, petswelcome.com has assembled a list of gifts, places and activities that you can share with them on this most special of holidays.

1. A Spa

A Lime Helmet Antioxident Wrap...Schweet! er, Sour!

There’s nothing a dog likes better than a relaxing Beef-and-Liver Aromatherapy session. And while cats prefer having a Caviar Intensive Eye Lift Treatment, they’ll both go bonkers for a Cellular Hydrating Whisker Exfoliation. Who wouldn’t?! After all, it’s all about putting food and candle wax in all the wrong places. So maybe you should think about a Valentine weekend at a luxurious spa for you and your favorite animal and share a Neutro-Rice-and-Lamb-Chunks-in-Gravy Bath together. You’ll both positively glow!

2. A Damn Walk

Yeah, that’s right. That’s what dogs want. A damn walk! Is that so hard? So close out your browser, log off, step slowly away from the machine and take her for a walk outside* on Valentine’s Day.

*A non-java-enhanced environment without pop-ups, spam or avatars. Usually characterized by trees, wind, sun and clouds and forced conversations with neighbors* that usually–and mercifully–do not exceed the length of an inane tweet from Lance Armstrong.

*People on Facebook who have similar geocodes as you.

3. Bling

Squirrels really like bling. So why not your dog or cat? Go glamorous this Valentine’s day and get a shiny trinket from the “Bling for Your Bitch” collection. Beautiful Swarovski Crystal Collars in Fushcia, Peridot, Aurora Borealis and other fab colors will turn your standard poodle into a Champagne Super Nova for all the other dogs on the block to envy, covet and—depending on your neighborhood—laugh at and/or rob.

4. Bonding

An Apre Shoulder-Roll Bath

Dogs just want to hang with you, right? They want to know they are appreciated. So take the extra step this Valentine’s Day and show your dog that you and him are in total simpatico. For example, if he takes a shoulder roll into a hideous, steaming pile of feces, well then, why don’t you follow suit. You’re gonna smell bad for a few months but, since family members, friends and humans in general will abandon you, you’ll bond like never before.

5. Grooming

A Sarah Palin wig and accoutrements.

Let’s face it, people love to be groomed. The fact that animals can’t stand it, doesn’t dissuade us from subjecting them to all sorts of primping, poking and preening so we can feel good about ourselves while they end up hyper-fluffy and smelling like a melon ball. But instead of blow-drying them to an inch of their life, why not just say “I Love You” by buying your best friend a pretty doggy wig. Yes, she’ll still hide under the couch for a couple of days in pure humiliation, but at least she’ll be thankful she wasn’t subjected to the panini press for a hair-straightening session like last Valentine’s Day.

6. No Frilly Clothing

Just not right: Lingerie Dog Bra

OK. The wig thing is scary. But it gets scarier. All we can say is that the best way to let your pets know you love and respect them is NOT to buy them frilly things that make them look like Hostess Snowball cupcakes. Or worse. It’s very, very weird. Don’t do it. DO NOT do it. Really.

7. Angels on a Leash

Your heart will swell noticeably.

No, it’s not a Limewire download starring the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey in a sadistic tale involving a down-on-their-luck, but plucky, band of ex-Petco cashiers who do what they’ve got to do to get back on their feet. Why does your mind always go there? To the contrary, this happens to be an incredible and wonderful program where pets help people. Check it out. And donate! Your heart will swell 3 times its current size. We promise.

8. Adopt Rupert

Rupert: Admittedly warm and fuzzy.

What would Valentine’s Day be without a true act of kindness or love? Just another cold day in winter is our guess. So take a look at Rupert here. Admit it. You love him already! So why not adopt him? You’ll automatically put warm and fuzzy back into your relationship with your human companion by bringing Rupert into your home–or as a play buddy for your current pet. Everyone wins. Check out http://www.aspca.org/aspca-nyc/adoptable-dogs/ to see other cool animals just waiting for their Valentine. Get to it!

9. A Dog Love Doll

Anti-Warm and Fuzzy.

At least you don’t have to blow it up. For the pooch who doesn’t get out much. Enough said…

10. Just Give’em What They Really Want

Ferrets, Hamsters, etc.: Who the hell knows…Attention?

Cats: Give’em a bird. They’ll love you for it. It won’t be pretty, moral, upstanding or fair. It’ll be contemptible, messy and wrong. But, c’mon, these are cats we’re talking about. Or, wait, is it the Supreme Court !??

Birds: Give’em a large vicious dog to play with your cat.

Dogs: Give’em leverage. Why? Because he already has a bone. And toys. And a Petco PALS card. And your comfortable bed. And your chest to rest his head on while he’s on your bed. What he needs is leverage so he can push you the f**k off it when he’s done with you. That’s why.

An example of leverage.