Ok, so if you read the articles on here, you know that sometimes my cats leave me letters on my computer or iPad telling me to shape up or to stop petting that dog down the block. Sometimes they have told me secrets about the lives of cats. Mostly it is just them complaining that they don’t like their senior prescription cat food or the fact that I sometimes try to brush their teeth. Well, luckily I’ve been spending some time with a corgi in my apt complex and have had some interesting conversations with him.
The other night I asked him what dogs think about baths, commands, and other things. I took notes and here’s what I walked away with, a small dictionary of terms.
A Dog’s Dictionary
Bath: A process where the walls, ceiling, floor, and humans clean everything with our help. If we shake the soap and water off our fur, it ensures that every surface within a 10ft diameter is thoroughly drenched.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves, and falls into the bushes, and we prance away, wagging our tails.
Bump: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. Typically use the top of our heads and bump the arm, wrist, or hand. Smile as you do it.
Deafness: This is a selective malady which affects dogs when their person wants them to do something and they would rather do something else. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. It’s rarely the pillow on the floor.
Drool: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don’t. To do this properly, you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. Practice the sad puppy eyes.
Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Goosing: A maneuver to use as a lest resort when the Bump doesn’t get the attention you require. Your person will usually jump and drop whatever it is they are holding. Very effective at bar-b-ques.
Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
Love: Is intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you’re lucky, a human will love you in return and show it by their actions.
Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, knock it over and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
And there’s your short dictionary of dog terms.
Image from Comic Book Mom