Email From My Cats

July 4, 2011
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Last night I came home to find an email had been sent to me from my cats. I’m not kidding. No, really, not kidding. They had taken over my laptop and I found out they have a twitter account, a blog, and share photos on PicPlz. I was shocked. From what I can tell they are using my iPod Touch to do all this. The email from them was as follows (I’m being overthrown):

Hey Human,

The last few days we have been discussing the new pattern of behavior you have and we have some complaints. Now, do not get us wrong, we like living with you. We like your bed and we like the catnip but some things are no longer fun to us. We have made a list.

1: Brushing us more than once a week is ok but we do not like when you brush our bellies. It tickles. This is why we kick you. We do not like that brush that metal brush. We like the plastic one.

2: Stop muttering when there is a hairball on the floor. It happens. We are cats. We sometimes have them. If you do not like them then give us more of that gooey stuff that begins with a P and tastes like fish.

3: You must get up on days when you do not work at the same time when you do work. This is why we step on your face and meow at you. We like to eat at the same time. Waiting an hour is unacceptable. We will find a way to make it to the shelf where the food is and feed ourselves if you do not adjust your schedule.

4: We will lay on the table in the kitchen if we want to. It’s the best view of the outdoors. We like it. You can not stop us.

5: Sure it is nice out. Sure it is “summer,” whatever that means. But that does not mean you can leave the house more often. Fine, feed us our meals but you need to also stick around at night and watch tv and play with us like you used to when it was colder out.

6: Water is great but what about that milk in the fridge? Share.

7: It’s your fault that the butter ended up on the floor. Not ours. We are cats. If you do not want us to lick it, do not leave it where we can get it. Actually, why not SHARE?

8: Stop clipping our nails. It’s irritating.

9: Do something about that black cat that walks by the house. We do not like him. He always looks in the windows and meows at us. He’s not our friend. Tell him to stay away. We’ve hissed and he just stands there. He’s not welcome here. This is our territory.

10: We do not want to see that person in the white coat anymore. She grabs us, listens to our heart, pokes us with needles, and pushes around on our bodies. We do not like this at all. We also hate the little boxes you put us in when you bring us to her. Stop this. We are fine.

If you do not abide, we will be forced to take extreme measures. We may start with the couch.

Molly and Digger


Filed under: cats,humor
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