How to be a Good Guard Dog

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June 8, 2009
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from the desk of the CEO, Smudge Kingsley

A few yoga classes will help.

A few yoga classes will help.

As dogs, there are just a few things people expect of us: follow a few commands (sit, stay, lay down…), maybe do a couple of tricks (rollover, shake hands), and, always, guard the house. Now the commands and tricks are easy and harmless. It’s the silly price we have to pay for being pampered, fed and easing our owners off their own bed after they’re asleep. But guarding the house–especially if you’re a chihuahua or shih tzu–can be a tricky business. So I have a few suggestions to get your game on for those breeds that are not known as great guard dogs:

  • Bassett Hounds: When a stranger approaches, do something crazy like lifting your ears. That’ll get’em running the other way. It’s not easy. But after reading The Dummy’s Guide to Raising Your Extremities (skip the dirty parts), and a few yoga classes, you should have it down (or, more precisely, up).
  • Chihuahuas: Just think Cinco de Mayo–as though you’ve been drinking a boatload
    Just be yourself.

    Just be yourself.

    of punch and fireworks are going off under your paws. Jump high. Bounce off the walls. Swing off light fixtures. I recommend a well-placed trampoline to scare the hell out of would-be intruders.

  • Newfoundlands: Even though you’re big, you’ve got to get up. Just stand up. I know it’s hard. But that’s all you gotta do. Or just move a little bit. You can do it. Really.
  • Mexican Hairless: Just be yourself.
  • Old English Sheepdogs: Fight your better instincts. Just lie in front of the door and don’t try to lick the perpetrators. That’s key. Remember, they hate you. Want to hurt you. Alright…you can lick them once but then lie down again quickly.
  • Shih Tzu: Just think about your breed name. About the person who is responsible for it. Think about what you’d do to them if you ever met them. Keep thinking about it. It won’t be pleasant but no one will want to go near you.
  • Irish Setters: I know you can’t read this so I’m just going to say, I hate you,
    Pack heat.

    Pack heat.

    Shannon, for stealing that poodle away from me all those years ago. There. I feel better now.

  • Toy Poodle: You’re smarter than your master. So have him guard the damn house. Think of it–all that leisure time with Trollope and The New York Times.
  • Dachshunds: Just pack heat. There’s really no other solution.

Next week: Smudge  preaches Tweety Bird– How to be as mean to cats as they are to you without your owners throwing you out of the house.

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One Response to “How to be a Good Guard Dog”

  1. deb says:

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