Right off the bat (with apologies to bats), let me say that we don’t mean same sex dogs marrying cats. However, our petswelcome.com management team (Smudge & Lola) has expressed some reservations about these new laws. They have definite ideas about who they want to snuggle up to, and they’re very leery about this trend spreading to the animal kingdom (for full disclosure on our management team, visit http://bit.ly/XOeKv).
Let’s look at the lions, for example, who we know are completely against it. The male lion has a beautiful, bushy mane. It’s not likely he wants to cuddle up to another fuzzy mane. To the male lion, the lioness is preferable. After all, the female is the one who takes care of the cubs, goes hunting, and similarly, keeps the pride in order, while the males lie around all day sunning themselves.
Among some breeds this may not be a problem. Take seals. They all look alike, so how can they tell one seal from another. I mean, we can’t, so how can they? But then again—although we’ve never seen one—there must be some baby seals around. And how do the penguins tell one from another? Maybe the male penguins wear a carnation in their tuxedos so the females can pick them out. We saw “March of the Penguins” and never saw the flowers. Never mind, “Happy Feet”—everyone was a dancer, but the males seem to have lower voices.
We’ve done some research among various members of the animal kingdom about their preferences for mates. Our CEO, Smudge, was able to obtain an unexpurgated copy of Noah’s logbook. It seems the only creature that would prefer same sex marriage is the praying mantis. Right after mating, the female bites off the head of the male. According to the Ark’s notes, Phil, the male of the mantis pair, was quoted as saying,” I’m sorry I brought her. I should have invited Harry instead. We could have kicked back, sipped a few nectars, and still kept our heads. Every time she looks at me, I think this is the end.” There are no further references to this male mantis.
“It’s impossible to get a zebra to change its stripes, or the leopard its spots,” growled Smudge. “As long as this remains between consenting humans, it’s fine with us. Don’t go spreading these ideas to the rest of us animals, however.”
Lola, who was off chasing deer with Charlie, had no comment. She’s been around a long time (almost 12 years) and has seen a lot of fads come and go.