Same sex marriage for dogs and cats

by
June 26, 2011
Comments (7)

Right off the bat (with apologies to bats), let me say that we don’t mean same sex dogs marrying cats. However, our petswelcome.com management team (Smudge & Lola) has expressed some reservations about these new laws. They have definite ideas about who they want to snuggle up to, and they’re very leery about this trend spreading to the animal kingdom (for full disclosure on our management team, visit http://bit.ly/XOeKv).

Let’s look at the lions, for example, who we know are completely against it. The male lion has a beautiful, bushy mane. It’s not likely he wants to cuddle up to another fuzzy mane. To the male lion, the lioness is preferable. After all, the female is the one who takes care of the cubs, goes hunting, and similarly, keeps the pride in order, while the males lie around all day sunning themselves.

Among some breeds this may not be a problem. Take seals. They all look alike, so how can they tell one seal from another. I mean, we can’t, so how can they? But then again—although we’ve never seen one—there must be some baby seals around. And how do the penguins tell one from another? Maybe the male penguins wear a carnation in their tuxedos so the females can pick them out. We saw “March of the Penguins” and never saw the flowers. Never mind, “Happy Feet”—everyone was a dancer, but the males seem to have lower voices.

We’ve done some research among various members of the animal kingdom about their preferences for mates. Our CEO, Smudge, was able to obtain an unexpurgated copy of Noah’s logbook. It seems the only creature that would prefer same sex marriage is the praying mantis. Right after mating, the female bites off the head of the male. According to the Ark’s notes, Phil, the male of the mantis pair, was quoted as saying,” I’m sorry I brought her. I should have invited Harry instead. We could have kicked back, sipped a few nectars, and still kept our heads. Every time she looks at me, I think this is the end.” There are no further references to this male mantis.

“It’s impossible to get a zebra to change its stripes, or the leopard its spots,” growled Smudge. “As long as this remains between consenting humans, it’s fine with us. Don’t go spreading these ideas to the rest of us animals, however.”

Lola, who was off chasing deer with Charlie, had no comment. She’s been around a long time (almost 12 years) and has seen a lot of fads come and go.

Comments

Filed under: cats,dogs,humor,News,pets

7 Responses to “Same sex marriage for dogs and cats”

  1. Karen Rockow says:

    That’s a nice piece, Fred, but…

    Who the hell is Smudge?

  2. Leigh Phillips says:

    I love this article. Too, too clever and funny!

  3. Bonnie says:

    You can tell your management team that they have lost this reader for good. Your feeble attempt at humor has turned into a demeaning and disrepectful editorial on marriage equality.
    NOT FUNNY and I shall be asking all my dog and cat owning friends; straight and gay to delete your emails from now on.

  4. Debra says:

    Why would you even print this? This has nothing to do with the animal kingdom. It’s all about humans who want to be lower than animals! I think this is disgusting!

  5. Sumaq says:

    May I please ask “fred,” what’s the purpose of this article? I dont see any relevance to what petswelcome.com is supposed to be about… info and resources for traveling with your pet.

    lets get rid off bigotry…

    I recommend you do more research on animals and their sexuality… you should have done so before writing this article. Have you heard of Roy and Silo’s story? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_and_Silo

    I’m a subscriber to this site because of the service it provides “find pet-friendly lodging, pet sitting, and other related pet travel services and information”… I find it disrespectful and very low to send a message about Same Sex Marriage and Relationships through this site. I respect everyone’s right to love.

  6. Steven Dziekonski says:

    I hope this article is meant to be funny and satirical. Even if it is, the implications within this article are inappropriate. I don’t want to be preached to, and as an avid pet lover this is not the kind of message I expect to get from an animal advocacy group.

    If this article was not mean to be humorous, you should be even more ashamed of it. Keep your political positions and religious beliefs out of my e-mail box, and please unsubscribe me to this newsletter immediately.

    Thank you.

    Al

  7. bob says:

    it seems foolish, that one should be so insenitive. With our intelect we comand a wide understanding…. or does the understanding comand us.??? the buck chase the deer for a reason. Its a physical perpetuating reason. wouuldn’t be sad if that stoped? If all plants and animals took the same sex tack? wouldn’t the planet die? I know there are varing views. After all the “birds and the bees do it”. We don’t do it thier way, I could see how someone might dread the event of losing virginity, and have babies for the rest of your life. But there is something to be said for being waited on hand a foot for the duration. Perhaps we should not be so insensitive that our intelect turns off the escences of this place.

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