Dog Dictionary

Ok, so if you read the articles on here, you know that sometimes my cats leave me letters on my computer or iPad telling me to shape up or to stop petting that dog down the block. Sometimes they have told me secrets about the lives of cats. Mostly it is just them complaining that they don’t like their senior prescription cat food or the fact that I sometimes try to brush their teeth. Well, luckily I’ve been spending some time with a corgi in my apt complex and have had some interesting conversations with him.

The other night I asked him what dogs think about baths, commands, and other things. I took notes and here’s what I walked away with, a small dictionary of terms.

A Dog’s Dictionary

Bath: A punishment for rolling in the grass. It starts off with warm water which isn’t that bad and the shampoo part is nice too but the rinsing it awful. To survive, dogs must shake and shake and shake to ensure that the rinsing process also rinses the ceiling, walls, floor, and human.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines for humans. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes. The dogs walk back home happy.

Bump: The best way to get your human’s attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. Typically use the top of our heads and bump the arm, wrist, or hand. Use the sad puppy dog eyes with a wagging tail to avoid being yelled at.

Deafness: This is a selective malady which affects dogs when their human wants them to do something and the dog would rather do something else. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface. Examples include: the white bedspread in the guest room, the couch, pulling the coat on the floor and laying on it. It’s rarely the assigned dog pillow on the floor.

Drool: Is what you do when the human has food and the dog doesn’t. To do this properly, dogs must sit as close as possible to the human and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps. Practice the sad puppy eyes.

Garbage Can: A container which neighbors put out once a week to test canine ingenuity. Dogs must stand on their hind legs and try to push the lid off with their nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with random scraps of food.

Goosing: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Bump (see above) doesn’t get the attention you require. Your person will usually jump and drop whatever it is they are holding. Very effective at BBQs or a human party. Dogs must walk up behind the human and nudge them with their nose, then step back with a wagging tail and maintain eye contact.

Leash: A strap which attaches to the collar, enabling the dog to lead his/her human around the neighborhood.

Love: Is intense affection, given freely and without restriction. Show love by wagging the tail and looking into the human’s eyes. Love is often returned with head pats and a hug. If the human kisses the dog, the dog is obliged to kiss back.

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When bored, knock it over and push the papers all over the house.

And there’s your short dictionary of dog terms.

^{Image from Comic Book Mom}