My Fellow Curs: A Commencement Address from our CEO

It’s that time of year when Petswelcome’s CEO, Hobbes Kingsley, is in huge demand as he travels the country to give commencement speeches to dogs graduating obedience schools. The following is an excerpt from one of his speeches.

First, my fellow curs, let me say congratulations on completing your coursework and making humans think that you are actually going to follow their commands. I know how hard it is to swallow your pride and have to sit and fetch and heel and shake hands and rollover just to make your two-legger happy.  The good news, though, is This class is over!  You are done now and are free to go out into the world and do whatever the hell you want to do. This is a very important point so let me repeat it:

Do whatever the hell you want to do.

For what is an education if not a license to be who you really are? To sniff where you want to sniff, dig where you want to dig, chew what you want to chew, roll in whatever it is you want to roll in and, last but not least, hump whatever leg you feel like humping.  Freedom and the courage to be yourself are the hallmarks of a life well lived. This last point is important so let me repeat it:

Hump whatever leg you feel like humping.

Now is the time to declare your inalienable dogness, to break the slavish bonds that connect us to those who would keep us down. This includes dog trainers, handlers, owners, cat lovers, and that UPS guy with the pepper spray. Also, overbearing aunts with huge bosoms who are a particular threat to brachycephalic breeds in the toy group. And, of course, we must be free of those who dare to call us “fur babies” or considers themselves “Pawrents.”  This last category is a particularly despicable lot.

And lest we not forget the worst offenders, those who rub our heads raw while saying things like “oooshie goozshie woozhie boooshie.” They are not drunk. They did not just get back from the dentist. They have not been sucking the insane root. No. That’s how they think we want to be spoken to. Can you believe it? To that I say, Bite them, my fellow curs. Bite them hard! It’s the only way to stop the elocutionary scourge that turns proud canines into, well, fur babies. This is an important point so let me repeat it:

Hump whatever leg you feel like humping.

Of the entire animal kingdom, we pay the heaviest price and bear the most formidable burden with regard to being on the front lines with humans. We know best how silly and capricious they can be. We also know that our many corrective notes over the ages have gone unheeded precisely because most of them do not know what capricious means. To that, I say Shame on us! We can do better, and I believe this Class of 2019 will do better.

If there is one piece of advice I can offer you, it is to be kind to people. Get them outside and away from that insidious human catnip called the internet which is nothing but an odorless, treeless, hydrantless road to nowhere, lacking even proper roadkill to occupy a curious and sophisticated mind.  Instead, take them out for walks in the woods, on beaches, over mountain trails, or down the avenues of our great cities. Treat them well, my fellow curs, for we are their last, best and only hope. I mean, you’ve been reading the papers lately, right?

So, in closing, I say Congratulations! and may you travel far and wide and succeed in whatever you endeavor to do. Or, as it’s said in the mother tongue:

Si gibbus pede sentiant humping.

Thank you, fellow curs, and Godspeed!