Petswelcome's team likes to think of itself as a high-powered mix of Harvard MBAs, power-suited Marketing VPs, and Internet IPO gurus. But, basically, we're just a couple of dogs and a cat. The web isn't rocket science you know.
Recently, however, the Petswelcome.com corporate board called an emergency meeting to hire a new CEO for the company. After a contentious debate on what breed makes the best chief executives, the board decided to stay away from American breeds, specifically those from Texas. We're not sure why, but our senior media relations officer, "Spin" Eversoslowly, a jaded Bassett Hound, says it is not in any way a reflection or judgement on the past presidency of George W. Bush, but rather stems from the fact that there is no such thing as a breed specifically from Texas.
Yeah. Right. OK. Uh-huh.
With our new CEO, it's fair to say the board was thinking outside of the litter box. Not only did they not pick an AKC breed, they picked a dog from another continent, a Bracco Italiano, a handsome European bird dog primarily known for not being known in the US. Their reasoning was, er, well there was no reasoning. They just happened to be eating Italian take-out at the meeting and were tired and one thing led to another and when it became clear they couldn't appoint a veal parmesan hero as a corporate officer (even though one Harvard study has shown that some hoagies and/or luncheon meats are superior to many Fortune 500 executives), they opted for the Bracco Italiano.
We flew Smudge in from Colorado via Phoenix on our corporate jet, along with 200 other paying customers, and set him immediately to work. He's only 3 years old and doesn't know anything at all. While this may sound like a drawback, our lawyers believe it will assure that his denials will hold up in court. If ever the need arises, that is.
- Pet Peeve: The fact that they call peeves pets.
We're proud to announce our new CFO--Lola, another Gordon Setter. To celebrate we've added a new flavor to the office soda machine (yup, cherry cola) because, well, you know why. And now that Lola is housebroken and understands "sit," "stay," "come," and "give me a raise," we've have no doubt she will prosper in her new financial position at petswelcome.com (along with the rest of the board members and their families and bookies, etc.)
- Pet Peeve: That stupid song. I wish it'd just go away.
Director of Corporate Investment
Now that we've grown into a major corporate entity (a Fido 500 Company), we figured we should start acquiring things and merging and investing and losing our shirts. Hey, that seems to be the trend these days, so why not jump on the chuck wagon? That's why we hired Charlie. His first day on the job he took a big position in Pork Bellies until he realized they didn't come in a can. Then he got us into Pupperoni Futures. And finally Sub-Prime Bones. We've sinced moved Charlie to the mailroom where he licks stamps and plans to make a killing in the lucrative liver-flavored glue market.
- Pet Peeve: That money is green. "What's that about? I don't get green. If it were small, hairy and running away from me, I'd still be the DCI...."
Digger, a Norfolk Terrier, is petswelcome's new Hotel Attaché. He is the liaison with all our pet-friendly hotels and is in charge of making sure they keep their services and furnishings up to his demanding standards. Beds seem to be his specialty. Whenever we look into his office he's testing out another one (though it always looks like the same one to us). Based on the fact that he's rarely on his feet, we decided to give him the "Petswelcome Employee of the Month" award for his hard work and single-minded pursuit of excellence. Of course, he was too busy to attend the ceremony so we just laid the award on his pillow. Co-workers say that he was so involved with his job that he didn't even wake up. Now that's dedication for you.
- Pet Peeve: Being woken up and asked about pet peeves while he's working.
Give Me a Break
Jill is the glue that keeps the whole petswelcome.com organization together. She has the no-nonsense approach that is necessary when you're working with two (now four) dogs. "Listen," she says, "I can't go running off everytime I see a rabbit or a squirrel. If I did there would be no one steering the ship."
- Pet Peeve: The fact that I've passed away and yet they still keep me on this ridiculous page.
Former Chief Eating Officer
MacDuff (AKC: Honey Hill Ajax MacDuff) ended his valiant fight against the cancer (cutaneous lymphoma) that had afflicted him for eight months. He passed away on November 7, 2005, peacefully, and surrounded lovingly by his family, including Lola, his favorite niece. MacDuff, a Gordon Setter, was born in June, 1992. He brought all of us unparalleled companionship, loyalty, and love for the next 13+ years. He was a gentle giant, loyal and protective, and served his term as CEO of petswelcome.com with dignity and honesty, although not above sneaking an extra biscuit when the other board members weren't watching.
We all owe a debt of gratitude to the Veterinary Oncology and Hematology Center in Norwalk, CT for his loving care (www.oncovet.com). Every member of their staff treated him with compassion, dignity, respect, and unparalleled kindness. Thanks to them MacDuff was able to live longer than expected, and he was able to continue his duties as a faithful family companion and corporate executive.
Former Chief Feed-me Officer
Milo (officially registered as KyJo's Milo de Venus), passed away on October 31, 2005. He was 8 years old. His passing was sudden and unexpected and we are all in a bit of shock. Milo was a beautiful Vizsla with an incredible spirit and was loved by anyone who had the distinct pleasure of having been robustly (and we mean ROBUSTLY) greeted by him. By his very nature, he made sure the office never got boring.
He was also the consummate corporate dog--always concerned about our stockholders and the company's bottom line. What we never told the Securities and Exchange Commission, though, was that the company's bottom line, according to Milo, was a comfortable couch in direct sunlight and a bottle of dry roasted peanuts (his favorite snack) nearby. On a positive note, we should be more productive now that he's gone, as most of our time was spent opening and closing the front door for him so he could rush outside to bark and protect us from the obvious threat posed by nearby sparrows, finches, robins and doves.
A donation has been made in their honor to Angels on a Leash, the Westminster Kennel Club's therapy dog program benefiting the young patients at Morgan Stanley Children's Hospital of New York-Presbyterian. We recommend that you check out this fabulous program and also consider donating in the name of your favorite child and/or pet.
Both MacDuff and Milo will be sorely missed, but we assume they are together, both of them chasing unsuspecting birds and deer and starting their own website--peoplewelcome.com--wherever they are.
You can reach management by sending a note to:
PO Box 504
Hughsonville, NY 12537
or by calling (845) 297-5150.
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